Clinical Psychologist Navigates Emigration Challenges – Part 2

In the second part of this article, I have collated a few mental “tricks” one can use in order to mitigate some of the inevitable tensions that accompany the emigration process. The items listed below are, of course, subjective, non-exhaustive, and are not in order of importance, but I hope that they might still prove helpful to those who find themselves in the throes of their own emigration journey.

1) Carry over habits that work and continue them as soon as possible on arrival at your destination. For example, if you exercised on a regular basis in your country of origin, finds ways to continue these endeavours in your new country. Similarly, if you drank two litres of water a day, emulate this behaviour again as soon as you’re able to on the other side. If you had a consistent bedtime hour, implement this routine in your destination country. Making use of “good” habits straight away is a hack to ensure a sense of agency in the sea of ambivalence.

2) Be intentional. On the day of my first school drop-off, I said to myself, “I am going to try and pay attention to some of the important landmarks en route to school that interest me.” Taking an intentional stance such as this in an unfamiliar environment will leave markers of familiarity in your brain – like a cairn on a hike – which, in time, cultivate a feeling of acquaintance with your surroundings. This tends to feel as if you are proactively addressing the uncertainty in your new environment – an otherwise “good” feeling to be in possession of.

3) Reward yourself intermittently as you are going about learning. The first beer I ordered in Portugal (a “kaneka”) by myself, in Portuguese, had a “sweeter” taste to it because it contained the satisfaction of my efforts to be understood in a new language. The implicit reward here served as a reminder to myself to “carry on learning and you might just get what you need.” As a bonus, the grace and appreciation the bartender extended my way at the mere attempt to communicate in his language, also felt like something noteworthy (having expected me to make my request in English as there are plenty of foreigners here). These intrinsic “rewards,” although subtle, keep one’s mind ticking over in the “right” direction.

4) Appreciate the novelty of things around you. I have come to appreciate, for example, the fact that there are self-checkouts at supermarkets to expediate the process; that there are more circles than traffic lights, and that the orange juice in the Algarve is always 100% fresh (there is an abundance of oranges groves in the region that allows for this). It’s the little things that are important in this regard, things that offer you a burst of novel appreciation of an otherwise mundane association (compared to my country of origin). In other words, it’s about imploring oneself to notice what is different in your new surroundings (this, you’ll note, links closely to the notion of being intentional about noticing things around you – point 2).

5) Remember (explicitly) your reasons for leaving. It can be enormously helpful for adjustment purposes if you are able to hold in mind your reason(s) for leaving your country of origin. While you observe, take in, and adjust to your new surroundings, this allows you to monitor how the effects of experiencing the “new” correlates and compares to the effects of the “old”. These perceptual monitoring processes are positively reassuring – an otherwise “good” thing – when there is a net positive effect between the two points of comparison (assuming, of course, that you are representing the comparative difference between “new” and “old” accurately and without undue self-deception). However, for this hack to work, one needs to be explicit about their reasons for leaving their country of origin. Failure to register this or to have it clearly defined makes it impossible to track the difference and the opportunity to do so will be thwarted.

For example, one might say, “I am leaving South Africa because of X,” and, thereafter, upon arrival in Portugal, while holding X in mind, I might think, “The effects of X aren’t being noted here and that feels good!” Having the reason (X) in mind while you actively palpate (perceive) the new environment can provide real-time motivation to fall upon when times are tough.

6) Before you leave your country of origin, anticipate (where possible) what changes you might observe down to the minutia and even the mundane. A rather trite example might be, “I normally get my coffee from place Y and am familiar with its taste, but I won’t have this over there so I anticipate it will be different.” Preparing oneself to be open to the perception of difference ahead of time helps absorb the shock of something when it is eventually confronted. Almost counter-intuitively, then, one should actively engage in thinking over and over again about how things are going to be different before one departs their country of origin. This hack helps the brain on arrival in the new country by saying, “Ah, I have anticipated this difference before, now let me be open to experience what’s here before me now.”

7) Trust your brain’s evolutionary adaptive fitness. Your brain is prepared for these changes. It knows how to learn, it’s learnt before, and it will learn again. If you go about this grand adventure with a degree of patience, care, and self-compassion at heart, your brain will eventually do what it does best – learn.

8) Allow for derailments. Bouts of anxiety and depression (among other affective states that are uncomfortable) should be framed, where possible, as the mind’s natural way of adapting to, and learning about, your new environment. These uncomfortable states are to be expected, and ample room should be made for them (and for family members’). This is especially true in the beginning, when the rate of learning is expected to be well behind the desired rate of knowledge acquisition in order to feel comfortable. This is why having a network of support to draw upon is so important while you transition (see point 10).

9) Be aware of a tendency towards impulsivity. Be conservative, if possible, with spending money initially and don’t take undue risks. This is often the mistake of the brain’s tendency towards impulsivity in novel situations in order to try and offset some of the anxieties of the unknown, thereby (irrationally) attempting to create a sense of “safety”, which can sometimes lead to undue stress. Be sparing with your purchases, your confessions and proclamations, your invites, and your invitations, and appreciate that you might be better able to make a decision that is truly reflexive of your underlying need the day after tomorrow (as opposed to right now!).

10) Maintain contact with friends and family – rely on them, initiate calls and keep regular contact. Fortunately, humans have in their armamentarium the incredible capacity to hold things in mind, even if those things aren’t right there in front of us. I would recommend you exploit this capacity to the fullest. Moreover, you’ve earned the right to be selective about who you befriend in your “new” life. Sure, friends are important in your new destination, but don’t rush this and allow the process of making friends to unfold naturally in due course. Then they will be friends that last.

11) Know that what you’re doing now, might have future benefits. Consider the possibility that, although taxing now, learning a new language, for example, is likely to protect your brain against future cognitive decline. This might have only distal appeal in the moment, but even so, it remains objectively “true”. See it, in other words, as an investment in your future well-being to do things that are challenging now.

12) Focus on immediate family relations, those who are “in the trenches” with you. Nurture those around you, hear their concerns, and acknowledge your mutual anxieties. Cultivate a sense of being in it together (even before you depart) and draw upon this mutuality during times of pronounced anxiety and/or helplessness. A sense of togetherness in this regard facilitates an ability to “tag-team” the process in order to navigate it more effectively together. Considering that it is highly improbably that both parties (you and your partner) should be equivalently impacted at any given moment, this tag-teaming provides a way out of these difficult emotional moments through resource-sharing towards a common goal.

13) Don’t assume the kids are alright. Children are highly adaptable, sure, but they’re as human as you are and suffer the exact same feelings (in range and intensity, or valence) as you. Busy, stressed parents often make the mistake of assuming that only they are the ones missing home. This is definitely not the case and just because children do not express themselves in quite the same way as do adults, does not mean to signify that they are always “fine”.

14) Learn to go with the flow of the idiosyncrasies that govern the country. My “private banker”, for example, only gets back to me after about a month after I have sent her an email. This sort of response time would have been anathema to me in South Africa, but it’s just the way it goes over here. I would be foolish to try to change this and I am instead inclined simply to embrace it as being the way it is (who knows, maybe there are even some emotional benefits to this?).

15) Lean to laugh at some of the quirks that you notice along the way. For example, my wife and I always have a chuckle at the Portuguese phrase “Poupa Mais!” (which roughly translates to “You save more!”) plastered across all the department stores. Whenever either of us returns from the shop, we effusively inquire how much was “Poupa Mais’ed?” this time round. We laugh, and it helps. Similarly, my daughter’s reaction to the stench of salty baccalau hanging in every supermarket in the country never ceases to induce a laugh in all of us. These are all little things that we’ve put into the “playpen of our minds” that no doubt helps us all manage the stress of the emigration process together.

Bryn O’Reilly is a South African-born clinical psychologist living in the Central Algarve, Portugal. It is from there that he runs his private practice, offering both in-person and online services. Should you wish to contact Bryn, please click here