A Family Is a Living System

A family is not a fixed thing. It is an open system, more like a living organism than a machine, and it keeps changing as its members move through different stages of life. When something significant happens to one person, everyone else can be affected, often in different ways and at different speeds.

Consider a mother who loses her own parent while raising a young child. If her grief becomes overwhelming, she may struggle to be as emotionally available as she would like. Her child may sense her distress and feel responsible for making her feel better. The child may also be grieving the loss of a grandparent. The same loss takes on different meanings for each of them and begins to shape how they relate to one another.

This is why it can sometimes help to work with the family together, alongside any individual support that may be needed.

When One Member Carries the Strain

Family members do not always adjust at the same pace. One person may begin to come to terms with a change while another is still struggling. These differences can create tensions of their own. A person who seems to be coping well may feel misunderstood or excluded, and can even become the target of the family’s frustration, while others may feel that their distress is being left behind.

At other times, the strain gathers around one person. A child whose ADHD is not yet recognised or adequately supported, for example, may receive repeated criticism or punishment for difficulties they cannot simply choose to stop having. Parents who are exhausted after a day’s work may find themselves reacting with frustration, even while wanting to help. The child feels blamed, the parents feel helpless, and the pattern becomes increasingly difficult to interrupt.

The child’s difficulties are not a moral failing. Understanding their needs can help the family respond with greater patience, clearer expectations and more appropriate support.

In situations like these, learning about the difficulty together—a process known as psychoeducation—can help family members understand one another’s perspectives. Concerns that have been difficult to discuss can be brought into the open, and the family can begin to move beyond ways of coping that have kept it stuck.

Families Who Have Moved to the Algarve

Emigrating as a family can be a particularly sensitive time. Change on this scale brings uncertainty, and each person may lose different sources of familiarity, support and belonging. Tensions can rise as everyone tries to find their footing.

Signs that a family may be finding the adjustment difficult include:

• increased irritability in children or parents
• anxiety about work or money as the family settles
• more arguments, withdrawal or difficulty talking to one another
• changes in sleep, routines or willingness to attend school
• existing attention, activity or impulse-control difficulties becoming harder to manage

Some families may also notice new or more frequent tics, or changes in a child’s speech fluency. These deserve attention in their own right and should not automatically be attributed to the move or to family relationships. A healthcare professional can advise on any assessment or additional support needed.

Family therapy offers space to understand what the move has meant for each person and how the family can support one another through it. You can read more about therapy for expats in the Algarve.

How Family Therapy Works

We begin by considering who would benefit from attending and how to make the sessions useful and appropriate for those involved. Often, several family members come together. Giving each person room to feel included matters, while also taking account of their age, needs and willingness to participate.

During my clinical training at the Tara H. Moross Centre, a psychiatric hospital in Johannesburg, I often worked with families of five or six people attending weekly. It was striking how a difficulty initially associated with one person could come to be understood as something affecting the whole family.

The first session takes much the same shape as in individual therapy. We introduce ourselves and begin to explore why we are meeting. Each person may have a different understanding of the problem, and that understanding can evolve over time. I try to set a comfortable tone and help the family find a starting point. We also discuss privacy and the boundaries of what is shared.

One important part of the work is being witnessed and helped to listen. With someone else in the room, family members may become more open to hearing one another. Something said many times before can sometimes be heard differently.

A parent who would usually switch off, retreat to the television or leave a difficult conversation may be able to stay with their child’s perspective for longer. If they still withdraw, we can gently explore what is happening: what makes the conversation difficult, how the withdrawal affects others, and what the child was trying to communicate.

Over time, the therapy room can become a place where people express themselves more clearly, recognise recurring patterns and practise responding differently. The aim is for these changes to become possible at home, too.

Teenagers in the Room

Teenagers, and sometimes younger children, are often part of family sessions. Their experiences deserve the same care and respect as those of the adults. This does not mean giving children adult responsibilities; it means making sure their views have room to be heard.

Adolescence can bring strong needs for independence, privacy and belonging, alongside an ongoing need for parental support. Parents may be trying to maintain boundaries while also learning how to relate to a child who is changing. Under strain, both teenagers and adults can find it difficult to hear one another.

Family therapy looks for a meeting point. I help make space for quieter voices, slow conversations that have become heated, and explore what each person is trying to communicate. No one needs to agree about everything for greater understanding to become possible.

What I Hope Families Leave With

I hope families leave with a renewed sense that they are in this together. Despite the difficulties they have faced, they may find themselves more on the same page, where before they seemed to be reading from different books. They have a clearer understanding of one another and greater confidence in their capacity to face difficult things openly and steadily.

I hope they leave knowing that important concerns were taken seriously, that each person had an opportunity to be heard, and that they have more ways to respond when tensions return. Where there was collective despair, I hope there is collective hope, and a growing sense of shared possibility.

Practical Details

Family sessions usually take place weekly, in English and in person at my practice in Quarteira, near Vilamoura. I offer family therapy exclusively in person because, in my way of working, being together helps me attend closely to the interactions between several people. The practice is also accessible from Loulé, Almancil, Albufeira and Faro.

Because there are more people and perspectives in the room, family sessions often last 90 minutes. Sessions cost €75 for 55 minutes or €90 for 90 minutes. We discuss the appropriate session length and review the duration of therapy together as the work progresses. The introductory call is free.

If you would like to explore whether family therapy could help, you can arrange an introductory call.

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